Rumiesque & Kafkaesque Reflections

"The wound is the place where the Light enters you" - Rumi

Rumi speaks to my soul. More so these days than ever before.
And so until this 33rd year of my existence, I didn't know a wound. I thought I did, I pretended I did. Becoming a mother felt like a really soul altering experience, and I thought I was ready.

Well this year shook me up inside-out.

I've lived a comfortable, protected, happy life most days. I haven't really known what true struggle is (though all of us have our own daily struggles-big & small, and I give myself all due credit). I haven't had an existential crisis that wasn't self inflicted & in the mind.

People who know me, know that I'm spiritual. I have a curious 'gypsy-soul' and I pray everyday that life opens me up to new experiences on my soul-menu. I didn't know that losing my first grandparent would finally be the start of many new discoveries. Starting with pain, intense sense of loss and alienation. Like a stripping off of something so warm and comforting. I've been on a journey of multiple truths & realities since. Thoughts & beliefs manifest to become reality. From the stark loneliness (being the only family member who couldn't be there to pay my final respects) sprang the calm (he showed me how peaceful he was in that dimension). Feeling vulnerable and a small part of something big, was a start. We build facades of accomplishment around ourselves. We feel important but for all the wrong reasons. We spend our life's every ticking second trying to be so perfect when the imperfections are the true celebrations of ourselves.

Then came another jolt. I lost a friend, the first one ever. In the blink of an eye, in one fleeting second. She went away without reason or warning. Just one fine day as she went up to deliver a client presentation, she collapsed and couldn't be revived. In many ways she was just like me (& so much better). I was the first to hear this news...I remember almost collapsing in the kitchen (I had just started sipping on my post workout recovery shake). Those minutes where your rational mind pleads to make this untrue somehow.

The macabre Kafkaesque tone of this post is not meant to depress. Because after you peel off the grief and shock, these realizations have made me light, peaceful and so much more alive. I'm thankful for the experiences I have every day. The people I meet, the ideas I exchange...these are all leading me along my trajectory. I'm satisfied, confident, anchored and happy but with the awareness of how transient everything is.

If there's one word to sum up everything, this wound(s) has made me open myself up. The walls are meaningless and unnecessary. And I have a guardian angel watching over me all the time.

'Peace be upon a soul so precious;
to you may all the lights come shining'