thought-pourri

Patterns

2012-01-23T14:07:00.000-08:00

Patterns repeat...swivel, churn, loop.
I miss them in-the-making & lament over them in retrospect.
The perfect detective-of-the-past, I.me.my patterns.

Recollection

2012-01-17T15:48:00.000-08:00

The longest stretch I've walked...

The one odd mile leading up to Haji Ali was probably the longest to endure.
The sights so heartrenching and the smells so excruciatingly painful.
I remember walking up there with the girls. Suddenly along that stretch I was all alone. The beggars were gawking at me, the lepers trying to nab my ankles. I still oftentimes wake up in a cold sweat just remembering the experience.
And suddenly in a flash how everything turned beautiful once I stepped onto the courtyard of Haji Ali's Dargah.

How can two worlds exist in one single continuum? I will never understand.

In my 4yrs in Bombay or the many stray trips back, I never had the guts to walk up that stretch. Never. Even knowing the sakoon of visiting Baba Haji Ali.

-the convenience of this contraption called Kindle Fire limits my ability to stay true to this language I'm so fond of! Treat this and other 'mobile' blogs as a crude expression of some idea that couldn't wait.

Just is.

2011-12-16T15:17:00.000-08:00

Its amazing how many blogs I write inside my head, too lazy to reach out to a 'device' to make it permanent. & inside my head I appreciate some ideas, refine some, rebuke myself for some soppy posts, its literally become my hobby. What follows today are just some ramblings, since the universe has come together to make me feel that this is no ordinary life!

Amazing how much you want to fit into your life & top that with the pressure (and fun) of living in the captial of the world- of arts, of dreams, of music, of theatre and fame and money. Being in a seat such as this, with a little ebony writing desk (assembled by me) a comfortable swivel (also assembled by me) and this whacked out pencil-thin squiggly red reading light, looking into the Hudson, peeping straight out of my french window at the Empire state & Chrystler building-grand structures symbolic of the city I live in, I know this is no ordinary life. However, once you reach this realization (everyone has one such doofed out realization* sometime in life), believe in it with conviction, you don't know where to start. You feel tremors of excitement that you are on some amazing trajectory, but you just don't know what to do now-purposefully, to accelerate up that path.

How many people have you met that are sure they want to pursue their entreprenueial dreams but are waiting on an idea that can move them? An idea that can convince them to be a fool...everything's just right but for the push-start button.

For starts,today the "purpose" of my life (apart from the regular humdrum work day)was to make from scratch a very flavorful chettinad chicken dish. I enjoyed the pounding of khada masala or grating coconut and the works. I believe that anything that brings me joy (the kind that is a more mellow,even and somewhat peaceful) is helping me think better to push me along the "great life" trajectory. Not to say that the garish, cheap thrills and rabid adventures are any less welcome. A true libran, I like it all, in extremes.

Irrelevant to the banter but our home is coming along beautifully. Its quite an amazing experience when an empty shell starts to look a little comfortable and at some tipping point starts to resemble a "home". I remember my husband curiously innocent when he asked me 15 days into shifting into this new apartment-'We're doing everything right, the furniture looks great but somehow it doesn't look like a home'. It truly is amazing, that moment when it suddenly does!

I am also now a proud got-it-right-the-first-time ice skater!! Its been a childlike dream to want to glide on that ice and it came true- not elegantly or gracefully, but through awkward moves and sloppy technique, I could still glide. And it brought so much happiness to the child inside me. Something I intend to pursue.

The holiday season is beautiful here. Its a legal time for the 'industry' to push out happiness at you in all shapes, sizes and angles. Its all about "gifts" and "food" and merry making. The streets are all lit up, shops are going ballistic with discount sales and pumpkin, gingerbread & eggnog flavors are suddenly everywhere-from your latte to muffin.

Dinner with Ms K was a revelation. Where has K not travelled to? The real story of a certain debauch media mogul turning saint & going the NGO way was priceless! What experiences people have had...& then there is Ms A, living the NY life. People, they never fail to astonish & their stories bring relish & delight!

Notes:
* try something new and exciting
* try everything that brings you instant happiness (the peaceful type)
* listen to experiences that people have had,you'll be genuinely surprised where they've been- in the good way & bad!

All around, something exciting is going on. I feel it. I don't have any logic, reason or theory (for a change). Just is.

Steve JObs' aha moment- the day you realize that this world was made by people who were no smarter than you are. That you can make a change to the world anytime you wanted to...believing in this changed his life! Oh by the way, must check out 'Steve Jobs-One Last Time' its running free on Amazon for prime members.

The Closet

2011-11-20T16:44:00.000-08:00

...is a warm comfortable place.
I have immense respect for those that decide to come out of it.

Ribbons of grief look merry under the cuffs of these creased shirts,
The dresses smeared with perfume and memories of grandeur under today's kohl lined smudgy eyes hang with dignity.

The thoughts of skeletons being around here next to me is real scary.
I don't see any skeletons, just pillowcases and extra sheets smelling of clean, fresh linen. Scarves & ties making streamers cascading down hues and patterns, celebrating in their own right. Threatening to fall on my head are the summer skirts, feeling detached and unwanted. The array of purses and bags screaming out for some attention, my tote literally stretching out to touch my ankles...

What is it that finally makes someone want to leave the comfort of the closet and come out?

I am yet to understand...perhaps a higher realization that the world is your closet.
Or maybe 'the closet' is not even a physical location but a virtual sector perhaps in some part of your mind.

Whatever it maybe, it is a warm, secure place.
I love being a closet patriot.

Space is not the final frontier...

2011-06-14T06:44:00.000-07:00

...that's just a myth! Its the heart, our emotions. Nothing beyond.

Nobody wants to deal with another's negative emotions. Nobody. Not even your parents, sisters, brothers. They might endure, given the ties of blood. But nobody enjoys the company of a whimping soul. No, not even a spouse! Go figure it our yourself, & yes preferably ALONE.

Human as we are, we look for anchoring. Unfortunately, massively so during our dull days. We clambour & whine & cling. We expect something in return from our inner circle (those poor unfortunate friends, family members or even lovers). Sometimes its just support, sometimes encouragement, sometimes pampering, sometimes reassurances...& when we don't get it, we're miserable. We're miserable & we make others even more miserable ('you weren't there for me', 'you're so selfish').

Be selfish. Make it on your own. Do things that you need to keep you happy.
Dance.Shop.Go to the spa if you need pampering. Attend meditation classes if you're emotionally rolled over. Figure what it takes, but be self sufficient.

Only a happy person can make someone else happy. And don't be fooled, everyone wants happy friends, wives, husbands, brothers, sisters (you get the drift?). If you can't take the stress, if your job sucks, if your relationship goes kaput...run to a random building's terrace and scream your lungs out. But get it out of your system on your own. Don't burden others with your sob stories!!!

Handing out & keeping your happiness in other people's hands is the root cause of misery. Be there if other's need you, but first master your own emotions. Sometimes it helps to use random strangers as confidantes, people you'll never see again. Sometimes all you need is to get a little drunk & things look better...whatever helps!

Be a happy person & reach out to people who're happy! That's the sad fact of life.
Everytime I'm depressed, I do something that I'm afraid of. Go take that bungee jump. Go surprise yourself, but just keep going!

The day I reach my final frontier, I'll keep you posted!
Cya when you're feeling happy.

Love,
I'm-done-being-your-agony-aunt

Life is a rather complex build-it-yourself Ikea shoe rack!

2011-05-11T15:14:00.000-07:00

It is...just that it looks really simple.

Look at my shoerack, a bunch of odd sized bars (various sizes) and shapes fit horizontally into peepholes on either side of the frame thus making 2 generous but not adequate shelves to seat my shoes.

When it comes together, it looks beautiful. elegant. simple.
But try piecing it togther. Just when you have a clump fixed, the other bars won't fit. So you revisit, figure, strategize, think...labor along. After the reminders-to- self to stay patient, the chipped nails, scratches & abusing, suddenly it snaps together. Only you'll never know what worked!

I'm in a happy place. mostly. but sometimes I'm so happy working the top shelf, I don't watch the bottom slide away defiantly. Oh & the rules, they don't work. trust me.

wanderbugish and random notes to self!

2011-04-15T17:14:00.000-07:00

Soaking in the new...bracing the strange with ease. Fading in with the crowd, not quite, but comfortable & very happy in my own skin!

I've taken to my changing surroundings with enthusiasm, my body apparently has not. It goes to shutdown mode just as I have important people to meet. It refuses to eat when the most interesting fare meets the plate in front of me.

& then my body surprised me as my nose led me to a very modest Indian restaurant. The buffet spread was ravaged by a hungry Indian soul...the flavours burst into action, awakening the taste buds who were out of a job in recent days. The overwhelming flavours & aromas made me feel physically happy!!

My latest passtime is observation...seconds, minutes, more minutes, fleeting flashes...on the tube I'd soak in hands one day-rings, hard working hands, dainty hands, rough hands, ugly hands, pampered hands & one day I'd only watch the shoes-formal shoes, stilletos & boots, flip flops worn with ugly stockings,a really nice pair of mocassins (ones I'd like to own) & one day expressions-tired, bored, judgemental, in love, scornful, interested, chatty, overworked.

London definitely has more stylish dressers than NY...anyday! The clickety-click of heels on the London Bridge at rush hour was a memorable experience.The city has so much history and almost fairytale-ish charm. Those gorgeous buildings, the palaces et. al. make you hold your breath with happiness.

Seattle froze my enthusiasm away. The cold went piercing through my ears. Watching Seattlers (is that what they're called???) braving the rain and running/jogging/cycling around almost ignoring it was inspiring. The beautiful trees were just about blooming, bringing the spring in.

New York, the melting cauldron of the world is a terrific maze of streets & avenues. One street map and a pair of happy feet are all you need. The busy rush of the cabs and people walking with purpose interspersed with the merry tourists with a lazy leisurely gait make such an interesting contrast. And then the daze of the lights-those broadway shows, billboards, lit up skyscrapers it takes you on a spin.

Where else will you find a cab driver from Dominican Republic who wants to take you out to the disco, a hotel receptionist who scouts around for the nearest Indian restaurant & gets your their number, the shoeshine man who runs after you pointing out that your boots need a sparkle, a mexican tourist who showers you with all his maps (with scribbly notes/bus & train schedules) on his way back home, a grandmother-daughter duo who randomly sit next to you at a historically famous deli and share a cheesecake with you & leave you with blessings for your marriage???

Remind me to be a bit more easy on myself and just let my hair down, will you?
This world has just too much fun & adventure in store for you. Just let it get to you!

Suddenly Someone

2011-03-23T11:10:00.000-07:00

Suddenly someone on a random passive day,
sweeps in through the breeze smooth on his heel.

Molten inside stirs, like thick hot cocoa,
Conscious and yet easy-flowing with the scene.

Understated, dignified and eloquent,
a wanderer he in his soul just the same.

A strange acceptance of the knot inside,
the happiness felt in keeping these miles.

This Heartache over Corruption

2011-03-16T11:14:00.001-07:00

I've been through a whole gamut of emotions while the TV channels peel layer after layer of these strange varieties of onions.

The coverage of the rot makes me real angry. The evening discussion on the coffee table while munching away reveals a sense of betrayal with the country. Few days down, this flows in beautifully into a mesh of shame & disbelief.

& during the fleeting seconds between awareness & sleep, when the mind reviews the goings-on of the day in a flash, I reach the amazing clutches of denial. Can't be happening. Can't go on. All my hard earned money draining into dirty (yet sparkling) white pockets.

The best advice sometimes comes from the most random people. They speak and address a question you've been laboring along in your head. My 'Mr. Random' talks about the weather & makes casual conversation...then sees my grief with the ongoing scams & says "Shagun, atleast they're exposed now...its a step".

On a random muggy afternoon his words haunt me. The fact that the rot is being exposed is perhaps the first step towards realization & possibly a cleanup!?!

Ignorance is bliss?
I'm not sure what to believe anymore.

~s

P.S. If Rajat Gupta is proved guilty, I will really lose a hero!

2011-03-03T10:51:00.000-08:00

Singed-charred-consumed lusting after the enchanting...
Addicted-exposed-withdrawn and oft times regurgitated!

Watching on sometimes makes for an interesting pastime (sadistically speaking).
~s

What is "Being Spiritual"?

2011-02-26T06:25:00.000-08:00

Does being spiritual mean being soulful to begin with? Does age have more to do with the need for finding a spiritual anchor? Is it perhaps experience (or even the lack of it) that makes you feel a void inside...which then propels you to find a greater purpose, a higher meaning to the everyday mundane?

Some people find their calling in a sudden flash...the proverbial "AHA Moment". Some seek to find it all their lives and die not knowing what it was that they were seeking. Some like me want to find it, but lack the belief. We're suspended somewhere between cynical logic & the true love of belief.

Its strange how much time we give to our physical well being without giving any importance at all to 'spiritual' fulfillment & wellbeing.

We're so busy trying to invent ways to stay busy, so packed in our everyday routine. I think this is just a thick defense against venturing out & finding out about the unknown - our soul. Some may dismiss this altogether calling it a batty mind's banter or some because they simply aren't ready to accept the searching they feel inside.

In my 28th year of this fabulous journey, I turn inwards and try to understand what it is that I'm seeking/yearning for!

Intend to keep writing about my experiences.
~s

Being in Love...

2011-02-16T10:36:00.001-08:00

(a happy one for a change :))

It must be me or
my universe that has taken on this shape of sooting comfort.

It must be mine or
my cares have been lifted; measured up just right against sane reason & admissible risks.

It must be my talent or
the people around me have transformed;
understanding & non-judgmental;
like they've been set on a chess-board for a game I'm slotted to win.

It must be my destiny or
the Gods have poured me down my Manna so my soul may no longer go hungry.

It must be my adipose or
the world around me has nuzzled me in its warm embrace.

There really is nothing that I can't be today!

~s

The Need for Greed. -22nd Aug. '10

2011-02-16T10:29:00.000-08:00

That this doesn't have the baggage of being consistent & right,
that this doesn't have the pressure to sound intelligent & witty,
that this doesn't have the expectation that must be lived upto or the needless need for grandeur or pomp.

Truth be told, it is the most simple & almost bordering on unintelligent experiences that resonate deep & long!

Its called greed...its called "I-want-it-all"!

A Few Old Attempts at Free Verse//The sad ones//

2010-07-31T04:27:00.000-07:00

I.] Untitled

Somewhere between now & eternity
I am faced with a question mark...
A volley of unanswered puzzles,
quizzing my mind,
paralysing my reflexes,
blurring my memories,
my treasures from the past!

Standing surrounded by the road sand,
the wind, a song in my ears...
A song my mind won't let me indulge in.
Turning the chains of melody into pieces of discordant notes,
waiting to bury themselves in comfortable oblivion.

Begun feeling lost in the company of those I hold dear,
only a blur in a mass called "friends"
know its a phase..."This too shall pass"...

But somewhere between now & eternity,
my universe, unbounded by limitations & inadequacies,
I still yearn to find myself,
cuz' somewhere between now & eternity is all the time I've got!

Feb. '04

II.] Pain

Moving through spirals of time
slow...maneuvering every jagged edge.
Ever so smooth on the rough,
The rich & happy moments making a quick deep stab.
Alive & awake to reason; fumbling at the thought of loss!
Deep slices of heartfelt sincerity
served on an open platter with picks.
Jabs of incandescent delight amazing and shameful together.

A universe of truth now a distant possibility.
Fickle shifting sands sliding from below my toes...
beyond this to a parallel galaxy.
No longer held tight, no longer held loose...
No longer.
Inheritance...acceptance & sour defeat!

~s

The 3 Idiots that have caused a stir!

2010-01-12T07:02:00.000-08:00

Loved the movie, inspite of the hype...others have fallen flat against the build-up. I'm not a film critic but can tell when a film is gripping enough.

The story was not completely original...but it progressed well. The pace was great. The characters were fantastic. Plus it met the contemporary-new age-film-credibility norms(something that most Aamir Khan films have started doing).

Cheers to the fact that film makers are experimenting in India...that they're not dumbing down content and giving us audiences some credit (we do have brains!!!).

Try and tell that to the 'Main aur Mrs. Khanna Brigade'.

I like the 3 Idiots, a hindi movie I genuinely enjoyed after a long long gap.
Hope lives!

In Honour of Mr. Calvino

2009-08-11T08:17:00.000-07:00

After a year long lull (well atleast on the blogspace), I'm back through the much needed inspiration of Calvino. Winding about little twigs and pebbles of the beginnings of a story, then quick to try and enter the minds of the reader and preempt my reaction...stealing from me the very joy of anticipation.

Made me jealous, his natural ease with words...some light and breezy, some so soulful and heavy with the relevance of their use in that context.

Painting pictures on a canvas so limitless, so away from the everyday places and people and situations we're at/with.

When I was a little younger, each day was drenched with the newness and crisp enthusiasm of swerving around the unknown, the less common, the unexplored. All this without ever having given 2 pence of thought to!

We thought a lot less, got a lot more...back then
now we think and think and weigh and measure and restrain and then reconsider and then make a calculated 'risk' (never understood that term anyway!)and somehow try to satisfy ourselves with the outcomes.

One of my favourite blessings from the ancient Chinese is 'May you live in interesting times'. Now I finally understand what that means...

Life is not dull or stagnant...no, by no means so. The recklessness is a little faded off, 'caution' has suddenly become a priority (what!?!)

There's so much I want to do in the near future:-
Hindustani classical,Spanish classes, A book recitation of my collection of 7 short stories, a professional salsa performance, golf lessons, maybe professional makeup classes....ATTACK!!!!

Chancy!

2008-07-14T08:44:00.000-07:00

Ever wondered what trick chance works on? Wondering if probabilistic measure can really work its way into the micro threadwork of our lives...decisions are taken on the second's split...death against a second chance.

In the screeching wheels...the smell of burnt rubber and that insane thud of metal turning to pulp...in the fleeting shuffling seconds between here and a place far beyond...a place beyond dimesion...

Karma? Blessings? Prayers? generations of forefathers, now running through your veins...
or just a mathematical calculation?

simple.uncomplicated.elusive.

Induced!

2008-06-26T08:49:00.000-07:00

Pale blue pristine...like a sky of calm.
Blobs of red sediments...thick and unyielding..relentless...like a past.

Ignited and set to warm effect through the mind...like electric heat...dry.steady.heat.

Watched through so many seconds of unbridled ambition...till the red thins down...buckling under the heat. Quite like every 5th day in my life today. Amazed at how well the stark contrast of blue and red loses its boundaries...unsure and yet so sure of each hue's existence...

That making of magic...that amazes my eyes...while i try and find something ugly...anything...the beautiful coexistence of two ends of the spectrum...how they come together in such elegance and grace...

But is that to be?
When the heat of my mind decides to switch of...will it bring back the jarring contrast???

Will this eternity be buried and labeled as past?
Fancy...that I can relate so much of my life to my blue-red lava lamp!

~s

..to all the stuff you've missed out on....

2008-05-05T07:54:00.000-07:00

I HATE (not dislike) the feeling of the bedsheet rub against dry chapped feet (makes me love foot cream...I recommend Kamill), water puddles around and under the wash basin, Snorers (pls don't ever let me be married to one!)

I LOVE (not like) bursting bubble wrap right till I bust the last of 'em bubbles, M&Ms choco flavour, toe muzzles...

Here's an ode to the shortest love story there ever was...which began out of impracticality and for no apparent reason...and a couple of days later, ended even more so!

Snippet's from the sentimental heart---
'...i draw comfort from...hopelessness of it all...don't even know him...haven't ever met him...imagined the way he is...uncanny...too early to be conspicous and yet too significantly mine to be overlooked...small subtle games...reveals my madness to me...carefree, unrestrained in my mind...aware of my irrationality & yet unwilling to retreat...somethings there are that lie within, strenghthening, consolidating and then one morning crumble into a dark oblivion without ever so much as a whimper!...strange...cold...daft ME!'

Ever felt like there's so much going on...too much to capture...wish it were possible to teletranspose those multitude of tiny thoughtlets (for some haven't even reached my conscious realm and become thoughts yet)..lie nuzzled in the amniotic womb of my mind.

Watched 'Taxidermia'...it's though to remain sane through this movie...and yet out of the weird bizzare grotesqueness is born a sense of ugly dark humour...and just the thought of that retrospective affirmation turns my insides. More shall be written about this movie...later...

For now,I'm wandering aimless..and loving it!

..The gift

2008-04-10T04:45:00.000-07:00

Ripples in the pond of frigid memories...deep dive back into that time...after severe negotiations between these fleeting seconds and those, I choose to touch those ripples with my toe. Only just superficially...lock dread of diving straight in; for fear that it might reveal things that have been sent away, a while back, into that unaccessible corner of my mind! Just mildly touching the closest ripple to me...like a mother tests the water before immersing her baby into the tub.

The ripple feels just like water always does...calming,soothing,pure...lures me just enough to dip in a little more..just four more toes, then I'll get back to my life...and the memories embalm my foot...reaching out to my ankles...like a long lost friend waiting to embrace.

Snapshots of faces, places, people...but the emotions reflect inside my today..so potent...in the flash of images, the emotions stretch out their timeline indefinitely, just so I can see only a flash but feel the entire memory...not with five toes but with my entirety, maybe more!

Touching my baby brother for the first time...playing in the sand pit in Vaishali till the stars came out in the sky...nursing my little pup Robin when he was so afraid of touch...that time when I tumbled down the marble staircase...I'm already knee deep in the pool, the water has turned cold, its night and my legs wobble weakly...on impulse, I turn away...run...the night breeze works on the wet entity...freezing me down to my bones...

I'm a strong person, only too weak to reflect!

...to a sin revived...

2008-03-26T07:59:00.000-07:00

That third eye seldom opens, but it does sometimes...and in a flash i see wrong from right!

That road rage, intolerance, sloth, greed, jealousy...all vices come leaping at me like hungry flames taking on a melamine house...

..and yet some sins bring so much happiness, contentment, purpose even. Masterfully crafted and repackaged as common-found.

In a folklore i once heard about the demons feeding on more demons...and such is an internal establishment of evil. Evil planted in a good person. Fanned by other dimensions...circumstances...blinding indulgence...

And such are the ramblings of the enlightened, for in a day the third eye shall shut and the demons shall once again fight for entry of its kin...until they mesh into one big blob of a busy life with no time to reflect!

The year that was...

2007-12-30T11:12:00.000-08:00

How predictable to sit down and plan ahead...but since I have a penchant for sitting down to write in my morose-frustrated-dull spells, I thought its time for one happy post.

2007 has been wonderful to me...and its nearly time for most to start making their resolution lists. Remember how we've grown up making a BIG deal about New Years??? Till quite recently I believed(and in my heart of hearts perhaps I still do...)that your mood at that magical hour of midnight dictates how the year ahead would be.

Start out sad or angry...and the year ahead makes sure it gives you many more occasions for outbursts and similar displays. Yet, start making merry..stay cheerful...laugh your heart out...smile till the corners of your mouth hurt...and that's what u'll be doing 365 days round :)....simple theory...

So 2007 was the year in which I--
* GRADUATED from B-School
* Survived the Delhi summer..and am very nearly living through the winters ;)
* Found the courage to drive in Delhi peak traffic...FINALLLY!!!!
* Kept accumulating flab and shunned my exercise routine (now this; I plan to change!)
* turned "25" (yes...it was a BIG deal...just the sound of it...)
* took to tea drinking (after years of finicky coffee devotion, delhi winters, N and friends at Airtel helped me refine my taste for the classic Indian beverage...black tea...ginger tea...darjeeling tea...ummm....)
* Believed in "The Secret" and tried to put it to test....and freaked myself out when it seemed to work!...(NO,I have no history of hallucinations!)
* was in 3 accidents and came out unscratched! (NO, I wasn't at the wheel)
* cooked biriyani & chilli chicken for the first time in my life...
* Suddu GOT MARRIED!!!!!!!!....OMG...and Richa celebrated her 1st wedding anniv!!
* Traveled to France and US on VACATION :)
* designed my own investment portfolio (nearly in time...phew!)
* accepted my friends for whatever they were/did...(this took a while and was tough!)

Cheers to an eventful year...and I know for a fact that 2008 will come along drenched in colour and spirit!
2007 has been another beautiful year...a year of learning-hope-love-patience-dreams-ambition-tom-foolery&dedication!

I dedicate 2008 to my superlative family and dependable friends...I have much to smile about!

Welcome 2008!!!...BRING IT ON ;)

Bitter Sweet Symphony

2007-10-20T12:12:00.000-07:00

...that's life!

Been concentrating on the sweet for as long as I remember, one rude shot of the bitter unnerves me...Once you've given it your everything, common belief says that you have nothing left to lose. Incorrect. The stakes are higher up...expectations are skyrocketing and sensitivities need to be attended to.

Difficult person to deal with? or difficult when not dealt with correctly?
unsure or pretending to be unsure to receive repeated assurance?
tyrrant or a baby disguised as 'grown' up?
insecure or making someone feel more important?
egotistical or fragile and unwilling to hurt?
heartache or paranoid expressions?

Bitter sweet...I'd like it no other way...and yet looking for 'the' sign...
looking...
but secretly praying...
finally understand the phrase 'comfortably numb'!

'Time & time' again!

2007-09-09T06:02:00.000-07:00

This post was written way back in May '07, the period after my MBA and before joining the economic workforce...just felt it had 'earned' its bread, so here goes nothing!
"From a mind not used to such idle, it is a downward spiral. An idle which brings spoil to the otherwise tight machinery of emotions…An idle; which showers time on me, like an heirloom, reminding me to douse myself in memories…some true…some semi-true…some even make-believe!

After living in a pseudo-real frame, you begin to suddenly doubt and even believe reality to be unreal. Once again, that anticipation…not ‘tingling’…like that of a school girl seeking admissions to pursue higher education, or that of a college student joining the work force for the first time…but anticipation nonetheless.

True to my nomadic existence, I’ve found myself a new set of linkages, some bondage, some responsibilities and some addictions. ‘The future lies before you like a sheet of snow’…my reality shall snow after one really long…Gives me once more the unwanted luxury of self introspection, dominated by retrospection. Of chances which I let go…of opportunities seized and many I watched drift away from my grip. It’s not about regrets and remorse…nor elation or joy. It’s just drudgery…like a film screening you were forced to attend!

Catch time by its ear…that’s what I’m going to do. Find a way to engage myself, make time a background process…have it chase me instead, once again!"

Life:: Chapter 4378000002928282820202020202020.

2007-07-18T01:17:00.000-07:00

Just about done unpacking my life...neatly folded as it came to Delhi about a month and 2 days back. Packed and in-transit, sitting tight within 2 suitcases, one handbag and a rucksack. Funny how a life perceived as elaborate fits in without frill or extensive paraphernalia.

This chapter started on a really "hot" note...and then they say that the worst was over by the time I got to Delhi. After a training overdose which lasted almost a month, my mind has started seeing visions of Airtel and our corporate arm: 'Enterprise Services'.

Delhi's been good to me... the eats are great, roads are nice and I have a comfortable little arrangement which I call "home". The enthusiasm to 'set-up' home from scratch has diminished, if not disappeared.

I adore my cycle rickshaw rides back from the market...they seem so simple...untouched by anything else. whooshing through the little puddles, carefully skirting around the potholes and then finally jumping down once home!Quite an experience in itself...and I wonder to myself just why I enjoy them so much.

'A good book and a cappucino' are a combination I can't resist. Sitting for hours sipping on the words and reading my coffee...Spending a life within the fluctuations of universes. A universe consisting of us 3 (the book, the coffee and me)and then suddenly this vast universe where I am just a speck. As a speck, I observe lovers and blushing girls...carnations, sweet nothings...careless 'I love you's thrown in the air..."Love--Overrated/under delivered" (caption on a young chap's Tee)...the obnoxious loud, pompous men trying to win the girls over...and then the dainty darlings with their hair done up and high heels. I overhear conversations...some paltry, some just so silly...designer labels, sales in town, bitching sessions...and then on some days I chance upon the pseudo intellectuals, boring their women with borrowed theories and rented beliefs!

And then I sip on the words from the books and find my peace. I've become a recluse...quite a 'strained' social being!

Work is a see-saw...some days I'm excited about work and then there are others when I feel I should quit and look for another!

All in all...I'm learning about myself...and Delhi. They reveal themselves to me in disconnected bits and discordant pieces.

Cheers to a chapter, nonetheless!!!

Homeward Bound

2007-06-07T16:46:00.000-07:00

"Home" is not necessarily a physical place...it's that 'coming to' feeling (no perverts reading on please!!!).

After one hell of a vacation in a lovely country I besmirkingly boarded my flight to Paris...strange light-headedness, cuz soon I was seated in my cramped economy seat (pleasant isle seat, decent old man next to me) the first thought that crossed my mind was actually that of 4...just "4" toilets ("twa-leets"...yeah the French "piss" me off sometimes!!!)to appease the over 200 bladders. Tchchchchch...I admonished myself for starting the journey with so gross a thought, but found my mind running back to the same arena even as we got those warm towelettes (yes,Rule#1 of customer delight:: complicate the hell out of simple terms..makes you feel like it's raining manna or something).

Ater a fun filled flight which involved 3 visits to well, the "T" (and that is NOT why it was a fun flight!!!),3 movies (two in french),a little flirting with the balding purser and a rush thinking about shopping at the duty free at CDG...I did shop down to my last few dollars...Never mind the flight onward to B'lore...FFWD till the time we commenced our descent...

My heart skipped to a merry tune at the thought of home...and for that instant when the wheels rubbed hard on the runway unsettling us a little with a jolt, my heart finally found home!!!

"Home" is not necessarily a physical place...it's that simple 'coming to' feeling...uncomplicated and simple as pleasure...

Jig-Saw unpuzzled!

2007-06-01T09:09:00.000-07:00

Loops of meaningless shapes, entangled into one another...but they make perfect sense to me! To an outsider they may appear chaotic, confused, absurd or even scary...to me each arc on those loops has millions of tiny memories associated with them. I'm talking about the 'relationships' section of my mind. And yes, thankfully nobody else can peer in and have a look.

Funny how a little more than a casual chat with N y'day brought out this chain of reasoning to life. Don't think he'd believe it himself. It's true... 'I thrive on a confused status'.("Thrive" makes me sound like one of those parasitic bacteria or other such primitve life forms, of which I'm definitely not a part!)

So, is it a good idea to form a reasonsing based on the past? Like if something fits a trend, is it fair to extrapolate it to a conclusion? If that is so...then I confess, I have commitment issues! As long as its hazy and unclear...and it's like a little game (for the lack of a better adjective, I shall use that word as my crutch). As long as it's just a possibility, even as far as bordering on something more precise, solid...I'm in it, convinced, in-total...but give it another inch on the commitment side, and I get unsure, uncomfortable...well, and I wriggle out of it feeling guilty for the next X months/years... So, if this is an accurate way to analyze oneself, then I'm the kind of girl who'd make a perfect "good guy's" nightmare...

However, if life is not about patterns but about different case specific exchanges and reactions between evolved individuals...then there is still hope for me! :)

At this point in my vacation, it doesn't faze me...taking time out to analyze and understand oneself is great...but I ain't fretting on it...not just yet!

p.s. Found a great read for women...."This is not Chic Lit"...awesome stuff, pick it up girls!!!

-----B%L*A&N$K----

2007-05-03T08:13:00.000-07:00

State of mind: borrowed from 'Kitnee Baatein--> Lakshya'

Stepped onto the terrace after 6 years (on the insistence of BadiMummy). What a mix of emotions...so many hours spent, so many contrasting memories.... The terrace has been closely linked with my growing up...leaving home... Have always been there when at extremes.

The 'tank challenge' between Skunk and me. Trying to be the first to climb up those ridiculous rickety steps up to the railing-less tank in a 'mock bravery pursuit'. Sitting for hours, till the light failed us both, reading out to Sa...sitting atop with R, V,S,A, countless hours spent gossiping on that silly goofy rug over coke and chips...

Some lonely evenings, watching the traffic zip by...purposefully...in a rush to get somewhere....and I, equipped with my "blank". I remember the blank. Purposeless...fearless...emotionless --> BLANK.

The blank was then rechristened 'taking life as it comes', 'chasing many different things'...I mastered the art of masking the blank. Almost convinced myself I knew what was happening. Looking back, I think engineering was just a respectable way to get around my 'blank'. I really DID NOT know what i wanted to do... funny, that such a potted approach hasn't caused any regrets. Remember R&I so heartbroken over St. John's med school...we made each other believe it was what we wanted to do. So strong was the 'I-was-born-to-be-a-doctor' feeling, that it engulfed us. Neither R nor I are doctors today. Neither of us regret it. We laugh at our tryst with 'Brilliant tutorials'...geeks, both of us! :)

When Sa tells me his career motivations, plans...he seems so confident, so decided. Makes me wonder if he's just mastered the art of 'masking the blank' to perfection...or if there are indeed people who truly KNOW what they want! I do pray, whatever the reason, it works out for him!

Withdrawal...

2007-04-10T05:12:00.000-07:00

<an unfinished post from the 10th of April>

Even as I look for a less cliche title for this post, i think nothing else could do justice to the way I feel right now. Woke up last morning in my room only to miss I-14, SV3. Was wondering how one year at ISB can undo the last 13 odd years of belonging...and not just change my life but also embalm me completely and dominate my world view (life-view, if there ever was such a term).

It felt so nice to meet this bunch of clowns before few of them left for Kerala. Its amazing that I'm not the only one going through what i am...it seems to be a global phenomena...Als also understand what I'm talking about. AMAZING that all of them tell me that I will get a closure once I visit her for orientation...

I can't describe what rushed through me as my cab pulled out of the main drive...the last few glimpses of the acad center...the last glimpse of the gate...it reached inside me physically...felt a jab at my heart...suddenly felt unsettled, like the firm ground beneath me shifted....

Will not go on about it...just to twist this around, I thought I'd talk about another phenomenon that's been in play for the last two days...songs seem to fall into different associations and literally "belong" to these people...

like:

Stand By Me/Baanwara Mann --> Aadi

Fields of Gold --> Nitin
Jumma Chumma Dede -->Sharon
Hips Don't lie/Sajna ve --> Dishwasher
Wonderwall--> Akshoo/Elmo
any damn trance number--> K-10 Saab
Sajna ji--> Warty/Khushboo

<..and there ends my incomplete post...>

All in the mind...rightly put!

2007-03-15T04:20:00.000-07:00

'Don Quixote chasing the windmills'-- I think it was this comment which got the discussion fuelled...quite on the lines of the discussion that A&I were having the other day. So does the author actually mean all the fancy stuff that the critics write about???...

On a textual level, most certainly not! Even in school I remember feeling sad for Somerset Maughm... while he wrote about Philip Carey in 'Of Human Bondage', was the character truly a mirror of himself? I've never heard an author challenge her reviews as baseless and false...why?

True that the subtext of the work helps in providing clues (subtle of otherwise) about the society, culture of the time the work is set in. Together the text and subtext help bring in a context to the author's work, however, 'interpretation' still remains a slippery slope.

Couple of months ago, while taking a shot at A's poems and telling him about my interpretation, I was corrected and put on the 'right' track couple of times... but what about famous literary works? Who 'corrects' our interpretations?

But looking at it from just about the other side, isn't that the beauty of a good piece of writing, the fact that it can hold a different meaning for everyone and influence us and our thoughts to varying degrees?

R made an interesting comment, he said, some interpretations are born from the collective unconscious...generated from that common pool of all our unconscious mind space...and so it intrigues me and yet completes the loop for me that the interpretation might actually be from the writer's UC mind...one that he may have never even thought of...but it exists alright, and there's no way we can challenge that! HA...

Effects of Bhaang on a seemingly normal mind~

2007-03-05T02:06:00.000-08:00

Holi this year was by far the rowdiest and most fun ever! SV3 mirror pools were filled with water, there was a fantastic music arrangement (DJ et. al), a host of delicacies for the multitude of appetites (chaats, pav bhaaji, desserts, chicken tangdis...ummm...), an almost never-ending supply of gulaal and disgusting pink pukka colours, muddy puddles (which formed a bottomless pit for eggs...the smell would make the strongest stomach turn!) and thandaai mixed with Bhaang!

So this was truly my first tryst with Bhaang. True to my knowledge, the effect kicked in an hour or two after consumption. The first feeling I remember is being semi-consciously light-headed...slightly more relaxed and a tad chirpy...in the background my mind was telling me to sleeeeep...ready to shut out soon as the external windows of my mind (my eyes) shut...Thanks to A and N, who wouldn't let me be...and kept waking me up...I felt the need to just keep dancing (although i was tired and fatigued)..."compulsive repetition"...hrd of that one!

Don't remember when it was over and don't remember having to scrub off the gunk...it just happened like in some far-away dream...just remember floating around somewhere till it my stomach growled with hunger...5 p.m. to 11:30 p.m. ...is all it takes to come around once again...!
Brings me to just one question--->

How the &^%* do people do drugs???

An experience!

2007-02-19T12:42:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer:: after staying in my draft folder for over a month, I thought this post had earned its right to come right on my blog, minus the edit that I'd have liked to give it...its true and not pretentious, it's not doctored and so here it is---

'Rollercoaster' is too straight a term for this phase we've been absorbed in; here at ISB. The Placement process is underway and just became 3 days old today. I have seen, felt, been...flooded, doused, soaked, consumed, cheated, frustrated, elated, shocked, surprised, submerged and ..sometimes all in a day!

Placements have been a humbling experience for everyone on campus, even the proclaimed 'mavericks'...everyone's had their share of it all!

For me personally, its been a time of consternation and elation (at extremes...just like me)... I felt for the first time how it feels to 'not fit in'...to struggle to make that switch, when an engineering background becomes a curse of commonality and how with every application you write an 'expression of interest' which is a masked plea to the recruiter...when it doesn't seem to matter that your entire ISB experience reflects your genuine interest in the field...and when news, gossip and rumours fly high all around you, when people reveal their true self...when people you can trust and rely-on are few and far flung...when there comes a time and a shortlist reject which breaks you down...I've been there, I know how it feels....

But then your pride and internal strength kicks back in...the grit, the determination....that belief in yourself...the love of your few friends is enough and it becomes your impenetrable shield...you resolve to exploit every opportunity that comes your way...

Then you widen your vision and see that everyone is scared...protecting themselves...humans are surprisingly clumsy at handling uncertainty and this was best proof....

I'm not ashamed to say that I am proud of myself, the fact that I could prove, not to the world, but to myself...that I have it in me to win!

I think the placements have been the 'real' experience of this MBA here at the ISB!

An unexpressed expression

2007-01-15T03:42:00.000-08:00

..Somethings there are that can never be rightly expressed,

that may creep up on you, impregnating the barren pauses and awkward silence;

that may lie within you, latent, hidden...strengthening, consolidating...

or then suddenly on a seemingly perfect morning; decide to die a slow painful death,

crumbling into a strange nothingness and a bitter reflection,

into the abyss of oblivion!

! forbidden !

2007-01-10T10:16:00.000-08:00

Apple coloured reds, bright and supple...
strewn along...unclaimed, waiting to belong.

I own no orchard, I cannot tell...
to the heart they are but apples
to the head they assume serpentine shapes
reasoning with logic and dissuading me...

is 'forbidden' always the easier to find?

2007-01-10T09:22:00.000-08:00

Ben Harper - 'Waiting on an Angel' LIVE

...Not just another 'great' song!!!

survey ahoy!

2006-12-25T13:38:00.000-08:00

Could you guys invest 3 mins. of your time on this survey? I need geographically disparate opinions on this one.

If you guys are users of domestic (Indian) aviation (a.k.a travel by-air), please do fill it.

Click on this link:
http://freeonlinesurveys.com/rendersurvey.asp?sid=5jxz9jyyd9v9roc253373

Thanks a ton!!!

X-Y-Z :: People Buckets!

2006-12-24T06:50:00.000-08:00

Unable to resolve in my mind what it is that keeps sifting inside me... flipping around like molten magma and draining my brain of all my resources...welling up inside me-half hurt half rage...

And so s said that I'm in a 'respected' category...whatever that means...and why must everything always be slotted out neatly into buckets to appease people's pea sized intellects??? I might be a hypocrite here...but why cant we accept people as a mix of many things...

but no...she is in X bucket and must behave in x,y or z ways...go do an 'o' and u've behaved 'out of character'...like u were studying me and my behaviour under a microscope since i was age 3...

The puzzle is just mystifying...the chase is drawing near. Have to get those running shoes out now...if not now, I might just be too late...and that, has always been my specialty!

At peace...finally!

2006-11-27T13:40:00.000-08:00

...coffee stained kitchen platform...milk marked rings...bread crumbs and the used and abused pressure cooker...didn't make me flinch today. I usually am very fussy about the way my kitchen looks at 3 A.M.

Can't believe my peace is linked to inconsequential things like the presence of water puddles on the floor below the washbasin...the musty smell when i leave my room closed the whole day without the windows open...the fact that house-keeping still leaves my silk cushions weirdly placed, awkwardly on my bed and Zingo does his balancing act between them all...and when the wires of the LAN cord, power cord and the speakers decide to fall in love with each other, so much so that they're entangled in one meaningless mass...when the ice cube tray is just so stuck on the floor of my freezer, its a test of muscles and patience...coming back into a dark apartment or waking up when everyone's left...my playlist just doesnt seem right and I dont know what music i'm feelin like tonight...

Today they cant faze me...I'm just at peace...and it feels so good!

The Sleep Creep

2006-11-25T14:28:00.000-08:00

'Insomnia' some call it. And so after waiting for days at end to spend a quiet evening with myself without the rush of friends, obligations of commitments or hassles of waking up to the appointments of the day called next...the day is finally here...

And I can't get any sleep...body tired (affirmative), mind is dull (definite affirmative)...haven't slept a cumulative of 6 hrs in the last two nights...and yet here I am! Reviewed friend's CV...left orkut scraps for school friends...tried counting sheep for over an hour...called up old friends...watched 'Departed'...fed myself...tried reading a book...all of it!...trying to muster the courage to pick up the watercolours...that will definitely ensure that the cumulative avg of 3 nights does NOT cross 8!

Funny how nothing seems befitting for this moment, nothing perfect not even right...inconsequential benefits...shoes arranged neatly, sms inbox organized, nails filed and even...flip it!

Notes to myself...

2006-11-20T04:00:00.000-08:00

Life's been on an even keel... deep, crisp, even...

Have lost weight (confirmed)...dont know good or bad...

Seem disinterested in a lot of stuff...concerned...where's the enthu gurl???

The whole campus seems to know that I was ill...do i have a mouth or a BBC mouthpiece?

Need to move my lazy ass and get geared up for placements...a plan for the term-break..how exciting!

Missing Richa's wedding...damn...i should've tried harder...sorry sweetheart!

Owe an explaination to N2 for my half-baked story...havent had the time to call....will!

Actually enjoying my subjects...read a lot of the pricing text...a LOT ...good job!

Ams been behaving really sweet...very happy about it...should let him know...will...sometime...

Skipping rice for the last couple of meals...feel lighter and more active...coincidence?...guess not!

'Tried my perfect cup of coffee'...works for me A...i'm sure u suck at making coffee...heehee....nasty me!

Managed to be brave at 4:30 a.m. @ acad center...generally empty classrooms spook me out...thanks A!

Planning to take a nap before I start 'Branding'....damn, why dont plans work for me?..I wonder!

~s.

2006-11-14T00:47:00.000-08:00

Go easy on my conscience, coz its not my fault,
I know that I've been taught
to take the blame!!!

Been Under...

2006-11-14T00:05:00.000-08:00

Down and out... its called an 'upper respiratory tract infection'...I know, fancy name...but boy is it a pain or what! I just took it lightly thinking it was some weirdass throat infection, but it turned out getting the better of me...and timed itself so damn perfectly...u have no clue...

So today finally after a gruelling week of cough bouts and cloggy heads and aching ears, I feel like myself! I love it...missed like a ton at school...Fighting hard to get back in sync with life. That's the deal with ISB, miss a day and u've missed a lifetime...and mind you Murphy ensures that everything important happens when you're bloody sick!

My love to AAPDASRH, for nursing me back to good health....dont know what I would've done otherwise...REALLY love you guys a lot...

Been on this emotional rollercoaster ride...not a new ride for me I guess, dont know why I dont get used to it...should...will...it's my disablility of being able to isolate issues,result:: turning them into a blob of confusion...and then trying to firefight my way through...way too much attitude woman!!!

p.s. Puhleeez let me be!!!!

2006-11-09T04:28:00.000-08:00

And so this is the third time I've attempted to start this entry...clearly my thoughts are not forthcoming today. I'm unsure about what it is that brought me here, and whether what got me here is something I want to see take a form of these words and watch. I'm a 'convenience' human being...I hate confrontations..but I believe I love them. As you probably know by now, my desire to express is overwhelming...when i love, when i hate, when i desire, when i envy, when i bless, when i care...not that I'm an extremist. I like to believe that I am a balance of practicality and unrealism (is that even a word???)...and so it was 'Surreal..surreal but nice'...words borrowed from someone, somewhere...

Toukey told me that I ought to stop calling him that...now that he is set to become a 'family man'...the heck does that mean? I'm freaking out...is a 'family man' supposed to be different from 'my buddy' man?

..And so these last couple of days I've been down with a throat jam (most painful in the morning, I've had the urge to cut out my throat and get on with my day...and i've had this gross feeling more than just once!)...and I've missed the care of Pune...I've missed the warmth...the love...and I've valued still more....

I definitely need a new phone...no panel change, no battery change...NEW PHONE...I'm still so gulity about losing my precious phone...it wasnt even my fault...why do i take it so hard on myself???I need to learn to move on...

...and learn to not drift away during these extra lectures in the evening...when u've barely slept the night before...

..and yet a drifter's all I've ever been...in mind, in soul...drifting away looking for something!

OVER-expressed but UNDER-understood!

2006-11-08T11:52:00.000-08:00

Once more I'm back to being where I started out... and I ask for a reason, hiding somewhere within me...why? why the need to express...always...painfully severe...ALWAYS...so much that I overexpress...and what does it all come to?...always not being fully understood...

Sporadic bouts of affection...inconsistent...what's the point of this transparency? what's the point in being honest and truthful...always...

...and yet this compelling need to be understood...to express...winding round in circles...!
~s

Here's where I am...

2006-10-29T10:13:00.000-08:00

When the whole campus buzzes with CVs, interview prep, applications, EoIs, sweat, blood, toil...anxiety...confusion...it feels like reality has eventually arrived! ISB is now witnessing placements for the 6th time as fervour grips its veins...people prepping feverishly...drafts and redrafts...proof reads and checks...life is moving along in the fast lane...and what have I found time doing...???
I've been busy trying to catch the right moment when night turns to day...no, I'm not having sleepless nights, far from it...but I'm sick of drawing the curtains to realize its morning...I want to know what its like to feel the first sun beam on my skin...this morning that moment arrived, but the sun lay snuggled behind its puffy blanket of clouds and refused to meet me. What a tease...while I with my sleep deprived puffy eyes kept chomping on omlette and looking...out on my balcony...I promise I saw the grass and leaves dance with the new morning breeze...someone once told me the angels descend on the earth at dawn...true or not, there is pristine quality to that time of the day...and I felt so pure...so clean...so fresh...
The wind swept across the tree outside...my old friend, before connecting with my fingers. A little tingling, like as if a message had been sent which I'd long forgotten to decode...these years of evolution have taken that gift away from me...and I stood helpless for a while...just gazing...a patient wait...a blank mind...a calm...
...And I was reminded of the Alchemist...one of the few times when I've been in agreement with Paulo Coelho...when your heart desires something with all the passion you know...the whole universe conspires to make it happen for you!... I gazed lazily over my universe, wondering what it was that they were conspiring...and then it was back to the way I live life...in my own little universe...away from reality!!!

...After a while...I learn...(free verse)

2006-10-22T10:43:00.000-07:00

"It took me a while to learn...
that friendships aren't handcuffed;
& happiness flutters awhile.
That promises are not contracts
& a tear can be so fragile!

...And that unspoken, so many words hang...
pregnant, with emotions gushing.
I learn...
that pain can never take a form,
and that true love doesnt have to be 'born'

That every encounter gives you something,
and most is left unsaid as we both speak...

That every happy today does not guarantee anything
but a hope;

I've learnt that life is always the best teacher,
& my instincts, no matter how ridiculous, always hold true!

that respect feels best when reciprocated
& that fantasies are not always fairy-tales...

That every problem knows how to solve itself,
& the loss of something small hurts worse than losing a lifetime...

I learn that the day I stop living, I will!
& that perseverence wasnt made to have a substitute
...that I can think straight in a turmoil.
& I do like flirting...working on that skill!

That "PeRfeCt" is case sensitive,
& jealousy a woman's second skin!

Been walking along life's incline...
Know that when I reach its peak,
it will not be the end of these discoveries...
...but only the beginning!

~s

Dido - Life For Rent Live

2006-10-22T10:16:00.000-07:00


One Helluva song from one helluva singer! Salut...

...Everybody Hurts...

2006-10-20T08:47:00.000-07:00

And why would that song make any sense to me (esp. right now)?...on the eve of Diwali, when life's on a high...all's going great...Still 'feel' and 'follow' the song through to its end. I am not upset about anything, not overworked, not tired...liked my pricing proff. Baohong Sun, she so totally rocks...and yet, here i am digging out the blank recesses in my head and trying to find out just how all the blanks have suddenly fused seamlessly to create this sudden vaccuum, a void that I've sunk into.

So, I guess a little bit of it could be the fact that I wont be home to do up the diyas, or make the rangoli, or to jazz it up with rose petals and make VINSA happy...but that's just a wee little senti. part of me that's irrational and wishes I were transported back home. Diwali without vinsa's kinda tough...and then there's this HUGE block of me, practiced 'rationality' and etched out 'logic'...(cant believe my random playlist has 36 China Town songs...damn, am i a secret 'Himes' fan or something????....No Way...) Ok, so the dude's nasal notes are somehow pricking my thoughs...a a aashiqui mein teri jaajaa hayegi jaan meri...yuck, i can switch songs...but I feel like suffering it through...

Little surprised about the Corus aquisition...

Entrepreneurship proff had the transcript of his interview with Tata Steel MD (Mr. Muthuraman...not sure)...remembering it;

somethings i can clearly remember are that Tata's focus was on economic development of India. Expansion for money making was off their strategic vision. They believe in contributing to the community that they operate out of...somehow there seems a disconnect here... I mean, I know that their goal of jumping from 7 million to 15 million ton production by 2015 would defi involve organic growth...after all consolidation in the steel industry holds the key to the fate of the entire fragmented industry (LNM knows best ; ))...anyway, i guess its a wait and watch.. Hrd Ratan Tata on TV talk about dilution of TCS stock as a consequence of the acquisition...sad that!

R says its PMS...might even be...but i have a premonition...something bad's about to happen...I hate it when these silly things I say or feel come true...but sadly they do...

Should try today's special Diwali Menu...till later~

...Back in business...

2006-10-19T01:32:00.000-07:00

Its been over a year since I last participated in a competition...I'm trying to recall when I last kicked some ass...umm...was it those silly 'team building' activities at work...Naah..I engineered half those games, I've always missed out on the fun of actually playing em...

Was it arguing with Sankalp about why I was right about my views on 'live-in' relationships?? Guess not, I think he won that argument, though i never quite let him believe he did!

Oh...the cricket match at work was fun! We (the winning girls team) did give the men a lot to laugh about...though Anu was exceptional...

So these two days have done me good...landed at IMT...couldnt help comparing the place to ISB (what a snob...spoilt brat!)...well, made a conscious effort to not turn out like 'miss head up in the air'...and anyway, there was no reason to...but must admit, somewhere at the back of my mind I was a little more in love with my school.

So we work on the 'Perk' ads...analyze them...make a kickass ppt...and have this awesome idea of not 'presenting' per se but actually having a meeting roleplay. The client (A), the creative ad person(S) and the client servicing person(D)...we achieve a critical, optimistic and realistic viewpoint...judges are bowled over...and then the MICA team comes up with a simple ppt, power packed with Ad jargon...stuff i never knew went into ad evaluation...good show...so the judge praises both our teams...one more day and one more round to go...

Spend the evening in a Sport Event, a mixed team from NM,MICA,ISB,IMT,IIT-M,KJ ...first round...french cricket...fielders all around, batsmen to firmly plant legs..cant move...bowlers can bowl from any direction...we bat first...first guy out--1 run, 2nd one-6 runs, 3rd girl--DUCK...S I rocked!!! Scored lik e 32 runs...crowd cheering... :)...second round..one person voted out of the team...I stay...another game...managed fine...one more voted out...I stay..3 ppl treasure hunt...we SUCKED at it...final round...clever ppl voted me out..lol...was good fun...!!! I'm such a sore loser...something i need to learn...guess those two saw it...Abhi gifted me a chocolate for having "HAD" to vote me out/cuz i was competition...lol...sit for the cultural night...

That's when it struck me just how talented we Indian kids are...not matter where i go...the talent is CRAZY awesome!D and I win the impromptu fashion show..lol..that was fun! A and I win JAM...I always trusted my 'incessant rubbish delivery system'...it didnt let me down!..S happy...a little bit of dancing...crazy tired...too many bugs in the room...miss my bed...like HELL...dont switch off the lights or remove specs...L & D cant stop laughing at me the next morning!

Wake up alone...A,N,D,L gone for HR event...realize we havent worked on our event due at 4. MICA team going crazy shooting videos...get ready...step out...caught in a lot of ISB gyaan sessions...must generate goodwill esp after the new found respect for IMT from last night..IMTians are warm and hospitable...so gave a LOT of gyaan...realized it was time for lunch 2p.m....rush for lunch...still cant find the rest...every team's working hard on the 'follow up to the Pappu paas ho gaya ad capaign'...getting a little panicky, find D start working on our ad story board...wifi sucks....run to lab...get gng...A joins in for a bit...we had a good idea...but last minute story board images sucked...i KNEW we had to impress the judges...so i dished out lot of Cadbury stats and placed them in-line with our ad strat (judge mentioned it several times during the final results...Thank God for small mercies), at ISb we're trained for last minute battles..D worked VERY hard with the story board...and had a fab interactive sms idea... :)..finally get our act together and goto event...the other teams have CLICHE ideas, one teams theme is too complicated...A busy with quiz, MICA's pres had a lot of videos and a humour element..D & I presented...and for the prep that went into it, I think it was WOW...we girls rocked...the audience/judges wouldn't stop asking questions...and anyway...so that was it...

2nd...lost out on effort(will slog more next time)...won for creative content and presentation of idea...CRAZY ELATED!!! rush back...packed and ready in 5 mins flat...leave for airport..., A,N,L,D,S look like zombies and crash the moment we sit down...wake up in Hyd...little more adventure with L's luggage...but all set...love the Hyd air...back on campus...my room...my bed! Life is beautiful...

...a FIRST on this one!...

2006-10-15T01:27:00.000-07:00

So it took me exactly 13 mins and a million of silly split seconds to get over the fact that eblogs goofed up my blog and that every expression of mine...no matter how stupid; is now lost...somewhere in some obscure corner of the world...untracable, irretreivable...GONE!

So I second my opinion that my hard-bound diary was a more faithful friend to me...I can still smell the ink on the pages...i can still see my tomfoolery...those little sketches that i draw alongside what i write...those doodled stick figures, puppy dogs and spider webs and unicorns...I guess there is no substitute to your own diary/journal...these blogs may be convenient, may reach sooooo many people...(Was surprised to know that my dad was a regular reader of my blog and actually complimented me on one particular post...)...but i am still not converted!

Why I'm back on another blog destination...well, it is a little addictive, this convenience, this vent for my expressions and I hope this time around I am actually converted (atleast to some extent)...

The term break is near gone...term starts tomorrow...but this post is only about my lost blog...the one that was called "Ironic"...in your memory, I begin yet another journey...